Pregnancy After Loss

That. Was. Hard. I am now the proud mother of two beautiful rainbow babies. Both of their pregnancies were hard. I’m not going to lie though, my son (the most recent) was the hardest.

With my daughter, I was able to be more excited. I believed in the theory that most miscarriages happen during a woman’s first pregnancy. It is said that a lot of women will have one and then not have another one because their body just needed to get ready. Because of this, I was able to go through that pregnancy and believe that the suffering would be over.

I got pregnant with my daughter and was excited. I had some anxiety about losing that baby as well but I found a different Dr who let me come in every 2 weeks for the first trimester to make sure that everything was fine for my own sanity. Once I was past the 12 week mark I noticed my anxiety decrease but it never went away until she was born.

Between my daughter and my son, I had another miscarriage. We had again been trying for almost a year and then we were able to get pregnant again about 3 months after that miscarriage. Maybe it was harder because it was so soon after that loss or maybe it was because now I knew I wasn’t the woman who doesn’t have miscarriages after one successful pregnancy.

I was terrified. I was terrified that I would lose another baby. This first thing I did when I saw those two lines was call my best friend who also happened to be a fellow Doula and was a student midwife (hopefully MY midwife) and I just started crying because I was so scared of losing this baby. Luckily, she took my blood the following day and then again two days later. It turns out my progesterone levels were already dropping and needed to have some called in to keep this baby.

I had panic attacks and anxiety every time I had even a little discomfort with cramping. I would have anxiety attacks every time I needed to go to the bathroom because I was terrified I would see blood. I was trying to be happy and on some level I was. But the reigning feeling was terror.

I also felt like I was betraying my baby that I just lost. With this pregnancy, I was pregnant at the same time as I would have been if I didn’t lose that baby three months earlier. I felt like if I was happy and excited about this new baby that it meant I was happy about not having the other one. This of course isn’t true but it is what I felt.

One of my husband’s friends had a due date that was 2 weeks after the most recent Angel Baby’s due date. It was hard seeing what could have been even though I was grateful for what was. It was hard seeing ANY woman post about their pregnancies at the time because they were all so excited! I am obviously happy for them but it was hard not being able to share that same excitement for my own journey.

Because of all of these conflicting emotions, I could NOT connect with my baby. I knew it was there, I knew it was mine, and as it grew I could feel it. But I was numb to it all as well. I was too scared to get even more connected with the baby because maybe it would make it easier if I did lose it if I wasn’t so emotionally connected (again I doubt that is an accurate belief). This then led me to feel guilty for not being more excited and I felt like I was already being a terrible mother to this baby.

Because of how conflicting I always felt and the anxiety I had, we treated this pregnancy VERY different than my daughter’s. For one thing, we never really made it public. I didn’t do a big social media announcement. If it came up in a conversation I would tell people but I didn’t make a big deal about it. I didn’t send bump pics to people (until a few sisters requested them). I didn’t start getting anything until I was in my third trimester. Also, I wasn’t excited for any of my appointments because I was terrified that one of those appointments wouldn’t pick up a heartbeat. Honestly, I just kept myself distracted with my daughter and tried not to think about it.

I never felt free from the anxiety of losing my baby until I finally held him in my arms.

If you are able to have another pregnancy after a loss it is okay to feel these things and it is okay to NOT feel these things. Feel whatever you feel and know that it is ALL okay. Find someone you can talk to if you are having a hard time and know that you aren’t alone.