No Time Limit to Grief and Pain

It may not be like this for everyone, but for me, my 1^st miscarriage completely changed who I was and turned my world upside down. The truth is, I didn’t have the support system or the tools to help myself through this trial and it this was the last straw for me honestly.

I was angry. I was angry, depressed, and felt completely alone. I was angry at God, at my body, at everyone who I believed had it easier, at those who never had to go through this, at my husband, at my family, and even friends because I truly felt I had no one to be there for me or with me. When I reached out, I was left hurt or disappointed to the point that I didn’t reach out anymore, even to different people. (To be clear, I wouldn’t wish this struggle on anyone. I wish others didn’t have to suffer the loss of a child. I was just very angry and it is easy to get frustrated at others in those times. Also, I know that people did the best they could. It just wasn’t always helpful.)

I learned to internalize not just my pain, but everything. If I couldn’t trust others to be able to help me, then I wouldn’t trust anyone with anything and I would take care of myself.

Yeah… That didn’t work.

I didn’t address my grief because I felt like the world was telling me I wasn’t allowed to. It was minimized over and over so much that I tried to not deal with what I was feeling. I felt like I was crazy for having so much pain that society was telling me I shouldn’t have and shouldn’t talk about. That on top of my anger and hurt caused me to become a different person. I would smile and play my part until I would crumble. It was exhausting. I started drinking because I didn’t want to feel or be aware of anything. I started cutting because I was ashamed of my weakness of not being able to hold it together. I started working out a lot but would push myself too much. If I got injured, I would push harder because I honestly hated the body that betrayed me. I made other choices that went against the values I once (and at present) hold extremely dear to me and I nearly destroyed my marriage.

One day, I knew I needed help. I hated myself for how much I let myself change into someone I truly had no respect for. I found a therapist and my husband and I eventually started going to couples therapy as well as individual.

I’m not telling this for pity. Not everyone will have a story like mine. Everyone grieves differently. Many will not be as extreme as this. But, it is hard when it feels like there is no support and it is STILL hard even when there IS support. But grief is powerful and can change people.

Besides this immediate aftermath, there are other things that can become more difficult.

1.     Baby showers. These can be excruciating! It is OKAY to not go. Know your limits. You can always send a present if you would like. To the mom being celebrated: Don’t take it personally.

2.     Pregnancy announcements. WE ARE HAPPY FOR YOU. We really are. Well.. a part of us is. To be honest, there wasn’t a pregnancy announcement that didn’t send me to tears. The worst were the ones that would have a close due date to yours. It is OK to be sad. It is OK to be completely excited, you aren’t betraying your baby if you are happy for a minute for someone else. It is OK to feel HOWEVER you feel.

I wish I could say that the pain goes away. For some, maybe it does. But, from most of the people I have talked to, there is always a sadness. We can tell you every date. We can tell you the day we found out we were pregnant, the due dates, the loss dates. We will be reminded of the missing child as those dates roll around every year. We will see pictures of other’s kids who were born around the same time and think about the pictures that we can’t post of ours.

Yes, it gets easier with time. But for some of us, it never goes away completely. And that is ok. The only thing that I can recommend is honor it. Figure out something you can do or get to honor that baby that you were never able to hold. For me, I bought a necklace, ring, and earrings with the baby’s birthstone on it. Others might paint a stone to put in a garden. You can even have a memorial for it if you want to. It is surprising how young a baby can be but it is still big enough to bury if that is what you choose to do. Even babies as young as 8 weeks gestation resemble a human. You can choose to do what you feel is best with that precious body. You can paint a picture and hang it in your home. You can do anything you want to help you feel like you are acknowledging that life and remembering it.

Whatever you feel, whatever you do or don’t do, it is ok. Do what you need to do and don’t worry about what others say. It doesn’t matter if you were pregnant for 5 weeks, 12 weeks, 20 weeks, or more. You had a baby. You were not able to see that baby born and have a life. It is ok to grieve that loss. It is ALL hard. It is all painful. It is okay to feel whatever it is you are feeling. If others are not respectful of that, do what you need to do to get the help and support that you need and protect yourself while you heal.