Miscarriage: Do's and Dont's

Here it goes… I have suffered from fertility issues and because of the reactions I have received from others and how it has impacted my life, I want to share my story in the hopes that it helps others.

My husband and I got married in 2009. After being married for two years, we prayed and felt like it was time to start trying to have a baby. In my immediate family, my three sisters have all had fertility issues in one way or another. However, I went into this whole “trying” business thinking I would be the one who wouldn’t have to worry about any issues and I really wish that that was true.

After a year of getting my hopes up closely followed by heart break each month, it finally happened. I was excited to get that big fat positive! I called a practice that people recommended here in Vegas and made an appointment. Because it was around the holidays, their schedule was tight and they had me come in at 7 weeks pregnant. On the ultrasound, I could see a sac… but nothing else. My heart immediately dropped. The doctor said I was probably just wrong on my LMP date and that there was nothing to be concerned about. I was only measuring 5 weeks. Here is the thing… any woman who has TRIED to get pregnant will know… you KNOW your dates. I tried telling the Dr. and I was brushed off. “You’re a first time mom, I’m sure it is just a mistake.” “Don’t be concerned.” We scheduled another ultrasound 3 weeks later.

I left very confused. If a Dr. says I am mistaken, it must be true. I tried to think positive.

With each passing day of increased morning sickness, I became more confident. I still called my doctor’s office and asked for my lab results to know my HCG levels. They wouldn’t give me the results but just said, “Everything is looking perfect!”

Those three weeks went so slow. I went to the appointment with my husband and anxiously waited for the ultrasound. Before the Dr. even said anything, I was crying. There was no change. I was supposed to see a 10 week-old baby and instead what I saw was only measuring 5 weeks. It was December 26^th.

We went to the car and I called my mom and told her what happened and had her spread the word. We hadn’t made it super public but we did tell a few people. I also told her to tell everyone to not call me because I couldn’t talk. Not even 5 minutes later, my sister who I have a really close relationship with called. Because it was her, and I knew she wouldn’t give up, I answered. Although she was pregnant at the time, she knew exactly what I was going through and I knew she was really the only person who knew me so well to know what to say and better yet, what not to say. Sometimes, you really just need someone to not say anything and just cry with you.

My husband, bless his heart, did not know how to react, and to be honest, quickly took the situation from horrible to absolutely traumatic in a very short time. Details are not necessary.. it is sufficient to say I felt alone in my grief.

           

In a follow-up appointment, I made the decision to have a D&C since my body was not letting my baby go and I was still feeling very pregnant. During that appointment, the Dr said “Your HCG levels weren’t doubling so you should have expected this.” 1. Thanks asshole. 2. If the office hadn’t LIED to me I could have prepared as much as I could have. So, the surgery was scheduled for December 28^th which happened to be my sister’s due date.

I was shocked at how quickly things went down hill after this happened. Growing up with sisters having gone through this, I expected other people to know how to respond because I assumed it was pretty common (which it is, but people suck.)

I was so. Very. Wrong.

Because of this, I wanted to bring attention to a few things that you should NOT say. All of which I heard.

1.     “At least you know you can get pregnant.” I didn’t want to just “get pregnant.” I wanted THAT baby.

2.     “I have a friend who had (insert number) miscarriages before she had her first.” Thank you.. Thank you for 1. Invalidating my miscarriage because someone had more 2. Helping me think even more about the possibility of this hell happening again. 3. Really I don’t care that someone else FINALLY got their baby because right now, in this moment, I was mourning mine.

3.     “At least you weren’t further along/ at least you never heard the heartbeat.” Wow. Just wow… I never realized a baby had to be inside of me for a certain amount of time before I was allowed to love it and think about the life they would have had. It is never EASY to lose a child. As soon as you find out you are pregnant, that life is inside of you and it is loved. You are it’s mother and it is your baby. Do NOT invalidate that baby’s short life or a mother’s grief for losing it.

4.     “Maybe it just wasn’t the right time.” That doesn’t help anyone feel better. That doesn’t change the fact that my baby was wanted and loved. All “inconveniences” to my life would have been welcome.

5.     “God has a different plan.” I am very religious. I have been raised in the LDS church and have become even stronger in my testimony as an adult. Although I DO believe God has a plan for me, that doesn’t make that loss any easier. I am grateful for my testimony in the fact that one day, I will be reunited with all my angel babies, but right now, let me mourn this one.

6.     “You can take one of mine.” Because one child replaces another and also… thanks for making light of this situation by joking about it.

7.     “A baby would have ruined your career.” Clearly, some people have very different priorities than what I have. Children are not just had by women who don’t want to have a career. If my husband and I had made the decision to start a family, we are clearly aware of other decisions that this would impact and STILL found us having a baby as being more important.

8.     “I’ve had an abortion so I know how you feel. It just wasn’t the right time.” Don’t. Just Don’t. The ONLY thing similar between these two is a life was ended. In one case, that ending of a life was a choice. In another, I would have done everything in my power to protect the life that was given to me. Also, the fact that some believe it is just “a clump of cells” invalidates the loss women suffer during a miscarriage. It is a baby. A growing baby. You can’t be BARELY pregnant with a clump of cells. You are pregnant with a growing child.

Yes, I heard every one of these.

Yes, I understand people don’t know what to say and want to help.

That is why I am writing this.

Here are a few things TO say:

1.     “I’m so sorry.” PERFECT!

2.     “I’m here if you want to talk.” Don’t push it if they don’t want to though. Respect the process that they need to take. Everyone grieves differently.

3.     Let them know you are thinking of them. Seriously. Every once in a while just let them know. It is so hurtful to have people who knew what happened completely ignore it and never say anything.

4.     Acknowledge their loss. Don’t pretend it never happened.

5.     If they have other kids, offer to take them for a bit. They will most likely need time alone with their partner to grieve together without other children around.

6.     Don’t rush their grieving time. There is no time limit. Be respectful of their very REAL loss and their pain.

7.     If you just had a baby understand it might be difficult for that person to be around that baby. But there are also some women who would like to hold yours to feel connected in a way. Don’t be offended if they don’t want to be around your kids though.

One more thing… Don’t ask women when they are going to have a baby or another baby. You don’t know what she is struggling with. You don’t know if she just lost a baby. You don’t know if she has been trying for years. Just don’t ask. If she wants you to know… she will say something.