Pregnancy After Loss

That. Was. Hard. I am now the proud mother of two beautiful rainbow babies. Both of their pregnancies were hard. I’m not going to lie though, my son (the most recent) was the hardest.

With my daughter, I was able to be more excited. I believed in the theory that most miscarriages happen during a woman’s first pregnancy. It is said that a lot of women will have one and then not have another one because their body just needed to get ready. Because of this, I was able to go through that pregnancy and believe that the suffering would be over.

I got pregnant with my daughter and was excited. I had some anxiety about losing that baby as well but I found a different Dr who let me come in every 2 weeks for the first trimester to make sure that everything was fine for my own sanity. Once I was past the 12 week mark I noticed my anxiety decrease but it never went away until she was born.

Between my daughter and my son, I had another miscarriage. We had again been trying for almost a year and then we were able to get pregnant again about 3 months after that miscarriage. Maybe it was harder because it was so soon after that loss or maybe it was because now I knew I wasn’t the woman who doesn’t have miscarriages after one successful pregnancy.

I was terrified. I was terrified that I would lose another baby. This first thing I did when I saw those two lines was call my best friend who also happened to be a fellow Doula and was a student midwife (hopefully MY midwife) and I just started crying because I was so scared of losing this baby. Luckily, she took my blood the following day and then again two days later. It turns out my progesterone levels were already dropping and needed to have some called in to keep this baby.

I had panic attacks and anxiety every time I had even a little discomfort with cramping. I would have anxiety attacks every time I needed to go to the bathroom because I was terrified I would see blood. I was trying to be happy and on some level I was. But the reigning feeling was terror.

I also felt like I was betraying my baby that I just lost. With this pregnancy, I was pregnant at the same time as I would have been if I didn’t lose that baby three months earlier. I felt like if I was happy and excited about this new baby that it meant I was happy about not having the other one. This of course isn’t true but it is what I felt.

One of my husband’s friends had a due date that was 2 weeks after the most recent Angel Baby’s due date. It was hard seeing what could have been even though I was grateful for what was. It was hard seeing ANY woman post about their pregnancies at the time because they were all so excited! I am obviously happy for them but it was hard not being able to share that same excitement for my own journey.

Because of all of these conflicting emotions, I could NOT connect with my baby. I knew it was there, I knew it was mine, and as it grew I could feel it. But I was numb to it all as well. I was too scared to get even more connected with the baby because maybe it would make it easier if I did lose it if I wasn’t so emotionally connected (again I doubt that is an accurate belief). This then led me to feel guilty for not being more excited and I felt like I was already being a terrible mother to this baby.

Because of how conflicting I always felt and the anxiety I had, we treated this pregnancy VERY different than my daughter’s. For one thing, we never really made it public. I didn’t do a big social media announcement. If it came up in a conversation I would tell people but I didn’t make a big deal about it. I didn’t send bump pics to people (until a few sisters requested them). I didn’t start getting anything until I was in my third trimester. Also, I wasn’t excited for any of my appointments because I was terrified that one of those appointments wouldn’t pick up a heartbeat. Honestly, I just kept myself distracted with my daughter and tried not to think about it.

I never felt free from the anxiety of losing my baby until I finally held him in my arms.

If you are able to have another pregnancy after a loss it is okay to feel these things and it is okay to NOT feel these things. Feel whatever you feel and know that it is ALL okay. Find someone you can talk to if you are having a hard time and know that you aren’t alone.

No Time Limit to Grief and Pain

It may not be like this for everyone, but for me, my 1^st miscarriage completely changed who I was and turned my world upside down. The truth is, I didn’t have the support system or the tools to help myself through this trial and it this was the last straw for me honestly.

I was angry. I was angry, depressed, and felt completely alone. I was angry at God, at my body, at everyone who I believed had it easier, at those who never had to go through this, at my husband, at my family, and even friends because I truly felt I had no one to be there for me or with me. When I reached out, I was left hurt or disappointed to the point that I didn’t reach out anymore, even to different people. (To be clear, I wouldn’t wish this struggle on anyone. I wish others didn’t have to suffer the loss of a child. I was just very angry and it is easy to get frustrated at others in those times. Also, I know that people did the best they could. It just wasn’t always helpful.)

I learned to internalize not just my pain, but everything. If I couldn’t trust others to be able to help me, then I wouldn’t trust anyone with anything and I would take care of myself.

Yeah… That didn’t work.

I didn’t address my grief because I felt like the world was telling me I wasn’t allowed to. It was minimized over and over so much that I tried to not deal with what I was feeling. I felt like I was crazy for having so much pain that society was telling me I shouldn’t have and shouldn’t talk about. That on top of my anger and hurt caused me to become a different person. I would smile and play my part until I would crumble. It was exhausting. I started drinking because I didn’t want to feel or be aware of anything. I started cutting because I was ashamed of my weakness of not being able to hold it together. I started working out a lot but would push myself too much. If I got injured, I would push harder because I honestly hated the body that betrayed me. I made other choices that went against the values I once (and at present) hold extremely dear to me and I nearly destroyed my marriage.

One day, I knew I needed help. I hated myself for how much I let myself change into someone I truly had no respect for. I found a therapist and my husband and I eventually started going to couples therapy as well as individual.

I’m not telling this for pity. Not everyone will have a story like mine. Everyone grieves differently. Many will not be as extreme as this. But, it is hard when it feels like there is no support and it is STILL hard even when there IS support. But grief is powerful and can change people.

Besides this immediate aftermath, there are other things that can become more difficult.

1.     Baby showers. These can be excruciating! It is OKAY to not go. Know your limits. You can always send a present if you would like. To the mom being celebrated: Don’t take it personally.

2.     Pregnancy announcements. WE ARE HAPPY FOR YOU. We really are. Well.. a part of us is. To be honest, there wasn’t a pregnancy announcement that didn’t send me to tears. The worst were the ones that would have a close due date to yours. It is OK to be sad. It is OK to be completely excited, you aren’t betraying your baby if you are happy for a minute for someone else. It is OK to feel HOWEVER you feel.

I wish I could say that the pain goes away. For some, maybe it does. But, from most of the people I have talked to, there is always a sadness. We can tell you every date. We can tell you the day we found out we were pregnant, the due dates, the loss dates. We will be reminded of the missing child as those dates roll around every year. We will see pictures of other’s kids who were born around the same time and think about the pictures that we can’t post of ours.

Yes, it gets easier with time. But for some of us, it never goes away completely. And that is ok. The only thing that I can recommend is honor it. Figure out something you can do or get to honor that baby that you were never able to hold. For me, I bought a necklace, ring, and earrings with the baby’s birthstone on it. Others might paint a stone to put in a garden. You can even have a memorial for it if you want to. It is surprising how young a baby can be but it is still big enough to bury if that is what you choose to do. Even babies as young as 8 weeks gestation resemble a human. You can choose to do what you feel is best with that precious body. You can paint a picture and hang it in your home. You can do anything you want to help you feel like you are acknowledging that life and remembering it.

Whatever you feel, whatever you do or don’t do, it is ok. Do what you need to do and don’t worry about what others say. It doesn’t matter if you were pregnant for 5 weeks, 12 weeks, 20 weeks, or more. You had a baby. You were not able to see that baby born and have a life. It is ok to grieve that loss. It is ALL hard. It is all painful. It is okay to feel whatever it is you are feeling. If others are not respectful of that, do what you need to do to get the help and support that you need and protect yourself while you heal. 

Miscarriage: Do's and Dont's

Here it goes… I have suffered from fertility issues and because of the reactions I have received from others and how it has impacted my life, I want to share my story in the hopes that it helps others.

My husband and I got married in 2009. After being married for two years, we prayed and felt like it was time to start trying to have a baby. In my immediate family, my three sisters have all had fertility issues in one way or another. However, I went into this whole “trying” business thinking I would be the one who wouldn’t have to worry about any issues and I really wish that that was true.

After a year of getting my hopes up closely followed by heart break each month, it finally happened. I was excited to get that big fat positive! I called a practice that people recommended here in Vegas and made an appointment. Because it was around the holidays, their schedule was tight and they had me come in at 7 weeks pregnant. On the ultrasound, I could see a sac… but nothing else. My heart immediately dropped. The doctor said I was probably just wrong on my LMP date and that there was nothing to be concerned about. I was only measuring 5 weeks. Here is the thing… any woman who has TRIED to get pregnant will know… you KNOW your dates. I tried telling the Dr. and I was brushed off. “You’re a first time mom, I’m sure it is just a mistake.” “Don’t be concerned.” We scheduled another ultrasound 3 weeks later.

I left very confused. If a Dr. says I am mistaken, it must be true. I tried to think positive.

With each passing day of increased morning sickness, I became more confident. I still called my doctor’s office and asked for my lab results to know my HCG levels. They wouldn’t give me the results but just said, “Everything is looking perfect!”

Those three weeks went so slow. I went to the appointment with my husband and anxiously waited for the ultrasound. Before the Dr. even said anything, I was crying. There was no change. I was supposed to see a 10 week-old baby and instead what I saw was only measuring 5 weeks. It was December 26^th.

We went to the car and I called my mom and told her what happened and had her spread the word. We hadn’t made it super public but we did tell a few people. I also told her to tell everyone to not call me because I couldn’t talk. Not even 5 minutes later, my sister who I have a really close relationship with called. Because it was her, and I knew she wouldn’t give up, I answered. Although she was pregnant at the time, she knew exactly what I was going through and I knew she was really the only person who knew me so well to know what to say and better yet, what not to say. Sometimes, you really just need someone to not say anything and just cry with you.

My husband, bless his heart, did not know how to react, and to be honest, quickly took the situation from horrible to absolutely traumatic in a very short time. Details are not necessary.. it is sufficient to say I felt alone in my grief.

           

In a follow-up appointment, I made the decision to have a D&C since my body was not letting my baby go and I was still feeling very pregnant. During that appointment, the Dr said “Your HCG levels weren’t doubling so you should have expected this.” 1. Thanks asshole. 2. If the office hadn’t LIED to me I could have prepared as much as I could have. So, the surgery was scheduled for December 28^th which happened to be my sister’s due date.

I was shocked at how quickly things went down hill after this happened. Growing up with sisters having gone through this, I expected other people to know how to respond because I assumed it was pretty common (which it is, but people suck.)

I was so. Very. Wrong.

Because of this, I wanted to bring attention to a few things that you should NOT say. All of which I heard.

1.     “At least you know you can get pregnant.” I didn’t want to just “get pregnant.” I wanted THAT baby.

2.     “I have a friend who had (insert number) miscarriages before she had her first.” Thank you.. Thank you for 1. Invalidating my miscarriage because someone had more 2. Helping me think even more about the possibility of this hell happening again. 3. Really I don’t care that someone else FINALLY got their baby because right now, in this moment, I was mourning mine.

3.     “At least you weren’t further along/ at least you never heard the heartbeat.” Wow. Just wow… I never realized a baby had to be inside of me for a certain amount of time before I was allowed to love it and think about the life they would have had. It is never EASY to lose a child. As soon as you find out you are pregnant, that life is inside of you and it is loved. You are it’s mother and it is your baby. Do NOT invalidate that baby’s short life or a mother’s grief for losing it.

4.     “Maybe it just wasn’t the right time.” That doesn’t help anyone feel better. That doesn’t change the fact that my baby was wanted and loved. All “inconveniences” to my life would have been welcome.

5.     “God has a different plan.” I am very religious. I have been raised in the LDS church and have become even stronger in my testimony as an adult. Although I DO believe God has a plan for me, that doesn’t make that loss any easier. I am grateful for my testimony in the fact that one day, I will be reunited with all my angel babies, but right now, let me mourn this one.

6.     “You can take one of mine.” Because one child replaces another and also… thanks for making light of this situation by joking about it.

7.     “A baby would have ruined your career.” Clearly, some people have very different priorities than what I have. Children are not just had by women who don’t want to have a career. If my husband and I had made the decision to start a family, we are clearly aware of other decisions that this would impact and STILL found us having a baby as being more important.

8.     “I’ve had an abortion so I know how you feel. It just wasn’t the right time.” Don’t. Just Don’t. The ONLY thing similar between these two is a life was ended. In one case, that ending of a life was a choice. In another, I would have done everything in my power to protect the life that was given to me. Also, the fact that some believe it is just “a clump of cells” invalidates the loss women suffer during a miscarriage. It is a baby. A growing baby. You can’t be BARELY pregnant with a clump of cells. You are pregnant with a growing child.

Yes, I heard every one of these.

Yes, I understand people don’t know what to say and want to help.

That is why I am writing this.

Here are a few things TO say:

1.     “I’m so sorry.” PERFECT!

2.     “I’m here if you want to talk.” Don’t push it if they don’t want to though. Respect the process that they need to take. Everyone grieves differently.

3.     Let them know you are thinking of them. Seriously. Every once in a while just let them know. It is so hurtful to have people who knew what happened completely ignore it and never say anything.

4.     Acknowledge their loss. Don’t pretend it never happened.

5.     If they have other kids, offer to take them for a bit. They will most likely need time alone with their partner to grieve together without other children around.

6.     Don’t rush their grieving time. There is no time limit. Be respectful of their very REAL loss and their pain.

7.     If you just had a baby understand it might be difficult for that person to be around that baby. But there are also some women who would like to hold yours to feel connected in a way. Don’t be offended if they don’t want to be around your kids though.

One more thing… Don’t ask women when they are going to have a baby or another baby. You don’t know what she is struggling with. You don’t know if she just lost a baby. You don’t know if she has been trying for years. Just don’t ask. If she wants you to know… she will say something.